Outside of my four walls

April 6, 2009 at 10:40 pm (Thoughts)

I’ve had this interesting development over the past month that has me in a bit of a quandry.  My routine for many years has been one of going to work each day, coming home, reading, writing, sleeping, and getting ready for the next day.  The weekends were much the same, minus the working.

Since I’ve come back from Nashville, the beginning of March, I’ve spent every weekend out, poetry readings, gatherings at friends homes, and hanging out with interesting people.  It’s been a dramatic change for me, since I have not had an active social life for many years.  I’ve spent my time by myself, working on my projects, or just plain sitting and thinking.  Where the irony comes in, is that for the first couple of weekends, I felt guilty.  I felt like I should be at home chipping away at reaching my future dream and getting out of the work rut. 

It was only after a gathering at Stately Johnson Manor this past Saturday, that I realized how important it is for me to continue this social interaction.  It has, to say the least, fueled my writing.   The trilogy was easy to produce in a sense that it was about the journey my life has taken over the past 50 years.  I was drawing from my experiences and emotions, and believe me, there were plenty.   After finishing the third book, Unbound, I was left empty.  I had dispelled my demons and laid it all to rest.  What was I to do next?  I could hardly produce new work sitting in my room staring at the walls and waiting for some kind of inspiration to hit me.  

I’m surrounded now by inspiration and ideas and I am bursting at the seams to get it all out.  My brain is regurgitating faster than my fingers can move.  It’s a beautiful thing.

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An amazing trip

March 8, 2009 at 10:00 pm (Performances)
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On March 3rd, I left for Nashville , TN, to participate in a museum exhibit that was a collaboration between a Women’s History Month clothing exhibition sponsored by the museum, the unveiling of my trilogy, ”Into A Life…Unbound”, and a photo exhibit by David Farmerie on the Seven Deadly Sins.  The exhibit was scheduled for 7:00 p.m. on Friday night, March 6th. 

It was great to see David and Stephnie again, and I was also blessed with meeting two very amazing people, Jamie, the model David used in his images, and her husband Adam.  There was plenty of good conversation, good food, and all around good times.  That’s always the case when visiting the Farmeries.

On the night of the exhibit, I was nervous to say the least, but I had it set in my mind that I was going to do well.  David spoke about his images, then introduced me.  The stage was set.  A leopard print chair, floor lamp, and table with a pillar candle, would be the setting for me to share my words.  I read a piece from Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman, Naked and Raw, and the seven poems from Unbound that revolved around the Seven Deadly Sins.  It was absolutely amazing.  When I was done reading, the room was silent, you could hear a pin drop, and the floors were carpeted.  That can either be the kiss of death, or a great thing for a performer.  As I placed the book on the table and began to rise, I heard clapping and when I looked up, I saw that everyone was on their feet.  A standing ovation.  I was blown away.  I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, faint, or pee my pants. 

It was a moment that would live in me forever, and when I take my last breath, that image will be the one that puts a smile on my face.  That moment in time validated me as an author and provided the fuel I needed to forge ahead with my dream.  These days, as I’ve stepped back into “reality” and the drudgery of punching the clock existence, I reach back for that moment and realize that what is now, is just something I have to do while I move forward and begin new projects.  It’s my life raft, my shining moment, and my new reality.

Sharing My Words

Sharing My Words

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An interesting week

February 28, 2009 at 1:48 pm (Thoughts)
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It’s been an interesting week to say the least. I finally finished “Unbound” and sent it to the presses, started to get really excited about the museum exhibit at Customs House Museum in, Clarksville, TN, and made some personal admissions.

 

I first felt the dream to become a writer hit me at the age of 11. My father was in Viet Nam for the second time, my brother had just been born, and I was living in the U.S., which at the time was a strange country to me. 

 

Through the years, life has thrown things in my path to keep me from pursuing my dream, though it would rear its head now and again.  It was always just a dream.  I strongly believe that in order to follow that kind of dream, there has to be some degree of support from the people in one’s life.  I’ve encountered that in many ways since going to college in 1998, meeting a writing community in 2007, and crossing paths with some amazing artists and writers in the past year.  I’ve completed three books in my trilogy, “Into A Life…Unbound”, and am preparing to send my first novel, Silent Retribution, to the presses.  I’ve realized my dream over the past two years, yet there has still been a presence that has prevented me from taking that final leap.

 

That’s where the making admissions part has come into play this week.  I realized that I’ve surrounded myself with a lot of negative energy, and not put half as much focus as I should on following my passion and fulfilling my dream.  I’ve allowed myself to sit inside the box and not break outside of it for several reasons.  I suppose the biggest one is fear of failure.  Realisitically, I cannot fail unless I try, and I can only fail if I don’t believe in myself.  That can’t come from anyone else.  I’ve been apprehensive about stepping outside of my comfort zone for all the wrong reasons.

 

After leaving work today, I was reveling in the TGIF syndrome, on my way to getting my Monroe piercing switched out, when it all hit me, yes, while driving up US 19 in rush hour traffic.  It literally felt like a punch in the chest. The turning point in my life is a week away, and the time has come to take the leap.  I know I’ll return home a different person, the person I should be, want to be, and will be.  It’s all very exciting.

 

All of the stuff on the periphery that has been consuming me went up in flames by the time I got home, and I gave it up willingly.  There comes a time in life where chances have to be taken and the belief that the right decisions are being made has to be embraced.  There will always be life distractions, but it isn’t until we realize we can rise above them and make life what we want it to be, that it can all fall into place the way it should. 

 

I have a deep sense of inner peace at this late hour, and I’m embracing the realization of where my life is about to go.  I am so very grateful.

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Unveiling of the Trilogy

February 28, 2009 at 1:43 pm (Performances)
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Into A Life…Unbound

Womens History Month Flyer

Womens History Month Flyer

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Reunited with family

February 17, 2009 at 11:25 pm (Thoughts)
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I rushed home from work tonight because I was meeting my daughter, Nicole, her husband, Kevin, and my grandchildren, Mia and Christian.  This might not seem like a big deal, however, I was estranged from Nicole for 25 years and had never met Kevin, Mia, and Christian.  I was nervous to say the least.  I won’t go into details of why the estrangement even happened, let’s just say it wasn’t my doing.  Nicole’s dad and I had split up when she was 3 and he took her with him.  Not my choice. 

Anyway, I arrived at home around 7:00, having gotten out of work late, yeah even on such an eventful evening, and just as I pulled up to the condo, saw them all walk into the house.  I froze.  After turning off the car, I sat there for a few minutes, not sure about how I felt or what was going to take place.  As I walked through the front door, I saw Nicole standing there and it was like looking into a mirror.  Here was this very tall, blonde haired, 28 year old woman, my child.  We looked at each other and as I approached her, we embraced.  My heart was fluttering.  She introduced me to Kevin, a very nice man, and then looked at the kids and said, “say hi to Grandma.”  Yikes, that was definately a term that was going to have to change.  I said hello to them, we talked a few minutes, then left for dinner, with my son Keegan.  We were meeting my other daughter, Amber, and her boyfriend, Corey.  I knew it was going to be an emotionally charged evening.

We met Amber and Corey at Sunny’s, and after all of the new family greetings sat down to dinner.  There was lots of conversation and laughter, picture taking, and an all around good time.  We prepared to leave and I suddenly felt a dull ache in my chest.  Was this going to be the big meeting and then everyone moved on with their lives and that was it?  On the way out, Nicole informed me that they were moving down to Florida in July, to Palm Bay, and I was absolutely thrilled.  We would be about three hours from each other, close enough for me to re-establish my relationship with Nicole and get to know my grandkids (which by the way will use the loving term NaNa).

Nicole hugged Amber and Keegan goodbye and then hugged me.  That was when the tears began to flow.  I was hugging my daughter in a restaurant parking lot, and sobbing.  We stepped back and she said, “Don’t cry, mom,” then hugged me again and whispered into my ear, “I love you. I always have.”  Well, that was when I lost it.  Those words meant the world to me.

We are now a family long divided and finally united.  It was one of those moments that keeps hope alive.  I am so very grateful that I was given this opportunity before it was too late.

 

Family Reunited

Family Reunited

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Feeling good

February 7, 2009 at 10:30 am (Thoughts)
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I woke up early this morning, which is a change, since I like to sleep in on the weekends.  I was exhausted when I got home from work last night, and I’m still coming off of being sick, so I pretty much passed out.  I really had it in my mind to do a lot of writing, but it just wasn’t going to happen.

I live by this amazing string of epiphanies and I had a major one on Thursday night.  I’ve been in a fugue for about 8 months and haven’t been able to get my feet on the ground and my head out of the turmoil.  I finally took the time to really sit and ponder things, as much as I didn’t want to go there.  It was like a wave of water washed through my brain and spread everything out before me like things that wash up on the beach.  I slowly made my way through them and examined them one by one.  I made two piles, the ones that matter and the ones that don’t.  The don’t pile was huge.  I went through them again and asked myself why they keep washing up on the beach.  It was difficult to come to terms with many of them, but I did. 

People seem to have this intersting perception of me, and I often laugh on the inside, because most of the time they are so far off from the reality of who I am.  It’s not a bad thing, because it is what I emit.  It’s my survival mechanism.  Well, I asked myself why any of that would be an issue.  I’ve spent a lifetime being interpreted as something I’m not and it has prevented me from getting close to people.  I feel like the people in my life are a source of life force extraction.  They take what they want, draw on what they need, and leave me empty on the wayside when they are done.  So, despite trying to protect myself, it inevitably happenes.  The reason is because the only way a person wouldn’t react, is if they were completely incapable of emotion.  That would put them in the psychopath category. 

Anyway, I digress.  So this epiphany washed through me, as so many have before, but this was different.  I realized a lot of things about myself and the people around me.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that a sense of peace came over me.  I’ll be 51 next Saturday, and I’ve spent a lifetime caring more about others than about myself.  I’ve tried to be what they wanted, do what they wanted, and forgo the idea that a life is one’s own.  In the end, I can’t blame anyone, actually, there is no blame invovled.  I just realized how very human and vulnerable I am, and I never realized that about myself.  Now that I have embraced that concept, I have a different thought process.  What others do is not my cross to bear, how I react to it is.  Action, reaction.  The true determination of how things will play out. 

I have a sense of freedom, a sense of purpose, a sense of being.  It’s my time and no one will ever dilute me again with false and empty promises, or actions that will cause me grief.   In the end, they will have to account for what they do, and I will just keep moving forward, knowing that I will no longer enable them to affect my life.  

The final push to complete Unbound will be the last purging of those things that washed up on the beach, and then they will all be laid to rest in the trilogy with the epitaph of “THESE LIFE EXPERIENCES HAVE SHAPED ME AS A WOMAN AND AS A WRITER.  WITHOUT THEM I WOULD HAVE FADED INTO OBSCURITY.” 

Now…I am a force to be reckoned with.  Watch me soar.

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Unbound

February 1, 2009 at 11:12 pm (Published Work)
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unbound-back-cover_edited-32Unbound Front Cover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the third book in the Trilogy, Into A Life…Unbound

AVAILABLE FEBRUARY 2009

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Life is always interesting…

February 1, 2009 at 12:57 pm (Thoughts)
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I can’t believe it’s already February.  So much has already transpired in just one month of the New Year!  I’ve been working on Unbound and it has been the most difficult project I have undertaken to this point.  Everything in this book is coming from a strange place.  I’ve left so many things behind in the old year and my perspective on things has changed dramatically.  Last year was an odd year for me.  I no longer write from that place that helped me to get beyond the things that had plagued me for so long.  I came to terms with the past, and looked at the present.  I’ll leave the future to the mysteries that will present themselves.

I’m preparing for the exhibit in March and am very excited.  I feel it will be the springboard for things to come this year.  I have several new things planned for 2009, all of them wonderful.  I have applied for Grad School at USF and am eager to get back into the learning environment.  I’ve opted for the English (Composition and Rhetoric) Program, rather than the Writing Program.  Eventually I plan to teach, so that was a more logical choice.  I’m debating if I want to live on campus or get a small place near the school in Tampa.   We’ll see how that plays out.

Once I have completed Unbound and the Museum exhibit is done, I’ll be reworking and adding to my stage play, Confessions in a Bathtub.  I have a group of people that will be amazing performing it.  I’d like to see it on the stage by April at the latest.  I have also dedicated myself to getting the cover done for my novel, Silent Retribution, as that is the only thing that’s holding up publication.  I suppose I might just end up working on it myself and see what comes out.  While working on the stage play, the book, Letters Written But Never Sent, will also be an ongoing project.  I’ve been wanting to write that one for several years now and have been unsure if it would be a worthwhile project.   This will be a very busy year of writing and publishing as I have finally realized what has been a hindrance.  The hindrances are finally faced and dealt with.  It’s a relief, really. 

Another amazing thing that is going to happen in two weeks is that I’m going to meet my lost daughter and her children.  That’s right, grandchildren.  That was a hard idea to swallow, but there it is.  I’m glad it’s finally happening since the situation that revolves around it all is the final issue from my past that I have to lay to rest.

I’ve looked back on the past year’s betrayals, dramas, issues, and frustrations, and realize that they are not important to me anymore.  Not that they were ever really important, but they did consume me.  I am who I am, and I am where I am, because I have always kept a part of myself from people.  It’s my survival mechanism.  Over the past month, I have tapped into that and taken responsibility for how I let situations and people affect me.  I am finally and totally in control of my life and I won’t apologize for anything to come.  There are no boundaries, no rules, and no road blocks in my way anymore.  I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I am on a mission…

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Time to think as I become the solipsist

January 4, 2009 at 3:14 pm (Thoughts)
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It’s amazing when I have time to think.  No interruptions, no duties to perform, no responsibilities. I began to reflect on last year and wasn’t sure what was rolling through my mind.  It was a jumble of emotions, ideas, flashbacks, and interestingly enough a huge empty space.  Honestly it’s been one of the better years I’ve had in a long time.  Saying that makes me laugh, because it hasn’t exactly been a year of reaching goals and fulfilling dreams. 

I feel like an etch a sketch most of the time.  Images form and then something comes along to shake things up and it’s back to a blank slate.  I guess in a sense, that’s kind of cool, because things don’t get stagnant that way. 

The interesting part of this entire process is that I’ve not spent a lot of time “reflecting”, but more thinking about what steps to take next.  Somewhere along the way, as life got a bit easier, I became complacent and lost much of what drove me to achieve in the past.  I don’t suppose I’m singular in that way. 

Over the past three days, I’ve had to face some things and it’s been both difficult and liberating.  Time will not wait for me, and I cannot wait for time.  I’ve chosen the writer’s life, which at times can be lonely and frustrating, but in the end the rush that comes from completing a project is like nothing else.  If I put half as much energy into my writing as I do into my job, there would be no stopping me.  Sooooo…the main conclusion I’ve come to is that everything in life from this point forward is directly related to my craft.

I’ve relied on people, trusted poeple, included people in the process and in doing that lost the ability to fly solo and bring the finished product to those same people and say, “here it is, any ideas?”  It’s a common drawback that a writer needs confirmation every now and then that something they are working on is worth continuing.  The problem with that is, only I can answer that question.  It’s coming from the depths of me, it’s my world, my universe, and my thought process.  There were times I delved so deeply into my characters, stories, and poems that they became my reality while writing them.  Somehow I lost that ability and began to write as a casual observer.  I felt consumed by what I was creating and found it difficult to pull myself away and play the requirement game: required to work, required to pay bills, required to meet responsibilities, etc.   The ability to split my brain in half like I used to seemed to drift away with self-doubt.  My circumstances have changed now, and I again have the ability to enter my personal universe. 

There is no limit and no end to what I will accomplish.

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Looking forward to the new year

January 1, 2009 at 9:58 pm (Thoughts)
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Well, here it is, 2009.  Another year has passed, and I am truly looking forward to this year.  I have dubbed it THE YEAR OF MONA.  I spent the day working on my 7 month plan.  I’m very excited about what I’ve laid out to create a fundamental change in my life.

New Year’s Eve was a wonderful evening spent with two dear friends and amazingly enough, an intersting event occurred that blew away my writer’s block.  How awesome is that?  What a perfect New Year’s gift.  

Tomorrow will be dedicated to organizing the projects I have geared for the year, and I will be very, very busy.  I plan to have the novel out by the end of January, since I have an artist to do the cover, and my third book in the trilogy wil be done by the first week in February.  The next big event will be the museum exhibit in Clarksville, TN on March 4th.  From there things will take off quickly.  

I will also be filling out my application for grad school this weekend and plan to attend USF starting August of 2009.  I’ve been going back and forth with whether to go for the MFA in Creative Writing, or shoot for the Masters in English.  I know the latter would be a better choice if I plan to teach, however, I really want to be back in a writing environment and would probably be more into that track.  I guess I’ll let the Universe guide me onto the right track.  I suppose it will be determined by whether or not I am accepted into the writing program.

I’ve pushed the procrastination demon away and I’m ready to make this year the jump over the hump!

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